Friday, June 29, 2012

Side Tracked

As the early morning light hit my eyes this morning, I took a moment to realize that summer is finally here.  The time of year so many look forward too.  The warm weather and barbecues, no school and vacations.  

As I convinced myself that it was time to get up, I feel anxiety that the time is just slipping past me in a never ending carousel ride.  I feel like it was just yesterday that I waxed poetically about spring peaking out through the dirges of winter.  

Spring Tulips

The green of the foliage has since changed from the promise of yellow, through the life affirming green into the stressful brown.  The heat of summer is upon us finally.  Do I pay attention to the song birds or am I more concerned with the hum of the air conditioning kicking in?

I admit that my favorite seasons are spring and fall.  The sunshine is a welcome accompaniment and change from the grey skies of winter and the scorching heat of summer.  I long for the colors that are only visible in spring and fall.  But in this heat of summer, I am trying to find the silver lining through it all.  We long for this time in the dead of winter and yet it's easy think toward the cooler weather in our future.  

Instead I try to find relief and in turn realize that it's not so bad.  This week even I realized that if there is a breeze no matter how hot, the heat isn't so bad.  And with the breeze there is a longing for blue waters and sand between my toes.

Miami Beach - May 2007
How is it that when we are on vacation, we can endure the heat?  We long for it and bask in the scorching sun and run into the blue waters?  Maybe it's the change in scenery, maybe it's a chance to escape our lives back home for a short time, maybe it's just vacation and you shouldn't question it.

I don't think I will get to see the beach this summer but I am having cravings for the humid sea air and the call of gulls.  I loved sleeping to the sounds of the ocean and waking up early to watch the sunrise with my mom on the porch.

But perhaps that is my dilemma, I miss my mother everyday.  Some days, it's a fond memory.  Other days it's an overwhelming desire to talk to her and the subsequent frustration and tears that I can no longer hear the sound of her voice.  Or maybe it's days like today where I stop to reflect and wonder how I made it almost 8 months without her.  Where has the time really gone?

I remember after she died that the days and weeks seemed endless.  Now the days have once again sped up to light speed.  I truly have no clue where May went and now that my birthday has come and gone, what happened to June?  Before I know it, will fall be upon me?  Will I be excited about school supplies and going back to grad school?  

Everything changes.  If I didn't get it before, I definitely get it now.  I work hard everyday to not wish the time away.  To cherish the sunrise and sunset and make the most of each day.  Because if I don't the days will just pass by me and who would want that to happen.

Iguazu Falls, Brazil - May, 2007

<3 Heather